Guest Commentary: My George Santos Resume

When I was running for political office, I would sometimes embellish. Not my resume so much. I thought most people don’t really care about where I went to college or that I managed to survive three summers working at Dorney Park, not getting fired until season three.

“Sexiest Man Alive.” Courtesy of Daylin Leach.

I also thought resumes are too easy to check. If I said that I accompanied Neil Armstrong to the moon, any intrepid reporter might be suspicious about my claim to have co-piloted a NASA space mission when I was seven. Then, it would just be a question of checking the flight manifest and determining that I was not one of the three astronauts on the lunar module.

My embellishments mostly came in the form of the claims of what I would accomplish if I were elected. When I first ran, I was trying to become a freshman in a body almost entirely based on seniority and a Democrat in a body run dictatorially by Republicans. But I didn’t think that touting my actual plans, which were to “eat free pretzels” and “Get a paycheck” was inspiring enough to lure voters to my side.

Completely fabricating an education, a career, a family, a business, charities he founded, and a connection to a series of tragedies is not exaggerating. It’s being a sociopath out loud.

So, I proudly proclaimed that I had a “plan to end traffic”, which mostly consisted of saying that I had a plan to end traffic. I was going to “make health care affordable” by doing cool stuff that freshmen state legislators in the minority from Pennsylvania can do to a multi-trillion dollar national industry. And I was going to “ensure that every single child had a high quality education.” Mission Accomplished!!

But the recent stories about Congressman George Santos have shown me that there are no actual limits to puffing your resume. In fact, “puffing” doesn’t do it justice. Mr. George Santos did not exaggerate. Saying that you were a strategist for a company you interned for is an exaggeration. Saying that you were employee of the year when you were really only employee of the month is exaggerating. Completely fabricating an education, a career, a family, a business, charities he founded, and a connection to a series of tragedies is not exaggerating. It’s being a sociopath out loud.

Which is awesome! I mean, he won! Neither voters nor the opposing party — let alone his own party — bothered to pay attention to … anything. For example, in an amazing coincidence, he lost employees at the Pulse Nightclub shooting, family members in the Holocaust, and his mother in the Towers of 9/11. Talk about an unlucky guy.

All of these things were easily checkable. Yet despite the fact that he was in a hotly contested race, despite his local paper, The North Shore Leader, reporting his lies, despite that he’d been dubbed “George “Scamtos” in Long Island political circles, the first-time politician secured a coveted seat in the U.S. House of Representatives, alongside Mitt Romney and Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Now that I know that saying literally anything you want, no matter how incredible it may sound, without the slightest scrutiny, is an option, I have revamped my own resume slightly.

Now that I know that saying literally anything you want, no matter how incredible it may sound, without the slightest scrutiny, is an option, I have revamped my own resume slightly. I hope this convinces you to vote for me if I ever run again, or just randomly send me gifts. Whichever.

Daylin’s updated resume

Daylin was born in Philadelphia into the British Royal Family in June of 1961. He was named the Viscount of Fishtownshire and, as an infant, was the model for both the Gerber Baby and Bamm-Bamm Rubble. Daylin attended the prestigious Choate Prep school which had been named after him. He excelled in English literature where he wrote The Canterbury Tales and most of Shakespeare’s sonnets.

Daylin was admitted into Harvard University in 1979, but deferred for a year, telling Harvard he would only attend once they “got their ass in gear.” Daylin graduated second in his class, and first. The next highest performing student graduated ninth. He then clerked for several Supreme Court Justices who actually Greco-Roman wrestled each other to see who would earn Daylin’s services.

After completing his stint at the High Court, Daylin traveled abroad for an internship at the Vatican. Despite being a practicing Jew, Daylin quickly rose to the post of Vice-Pope, where he led a number of major church reforms, including ending the church’s focus on one particular God. Then, on the way back to America, Daylin briefly decamped to Sweden to accept the first of his three Nobel Peace Prizes. This one for … um … his work in the East!

Daylin is humbled to have been named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” five times, and “Sexiest Man Alive or Dead” twice.

While making his speech in Stockholm, given in the original svenska language of their forebears, Daylin talked about how his life had been shaped by tragedy. He had lost his entire family on the Hindenburg, and then again, at the Battle of Gallipoli. He became so emotional he could barely continue as he described the death of his poor grandmother, Joan of Arc, and her loving husband, Ralph of Arc.

Daylin then founded Dick’s Sporting Goods, naming it after his nickname in high school. He also established a charity dedicated to removing Vietnamese Punji Sticks from strip malls around the nation, making Americans feel safer about diving to take cover in front of Baby Gaps and Chess Kings everywhere!

Daylin is humbled to have been named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” five times, and “Sexiest Man Alive or Dead” twice. He was also the only man to win the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, beating out a confused and angry Meryl Streep.

So, Daylin humbly asks your support for whatever it is he does. He hopes his life’s accomplishments have earned your trust, and your admiration, and your willingness not to verify a fucking thing.

Daylin Leach is a former state House and Senate member, author of PA’s Medical Marijuana law, comedian, professor and father of two awesome children. For real.

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