We offer: Passionate, devoted, deeply scarred fandom with decades of unwavering, mostly unrequited, loyalty.
Background: For years, I was in a committed, long-term relationship with Baseball. She was my first love. The smell of the grass, the beauty of a pitcher’s duel, the seventh inning stretch…
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But the romance is gone. The trust has been broken. Baseball, to paraphrase the greatest baseball movie ever made, is a deceptively simple game. You catch the ball. You hit the ball. You throw the ball.
While my (now ex) team has occasionally demonstrated a passing familiarity with skills #1 and #3, they have collectively decided that skill #2 is more of an abstract concept than a practical application. They approach the batter’s box with the confidence of a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. They swing at pitches in other time zones.
It may indeed be a simple game, but you cannot win if you do not do the middle one. Therefore, I am officially a free agent fan and am accepting applications from other sports.
The Ideal Candidate Sport Will Possess:
A Reasonable Path to Victory: The ability to occasionally perform the core function of your sport is a must. If your sport involves a ball and a stick, a basic competence in making them connect would be a huge plus.
Lower Emotional Stakes: I’m looking for a sport where my entire week (and offseason) isn’t ruined by a 3-2 loss featuring 10 strikeouts, questionable tactics, and multiple runners left in scoring position.
Manageable Roster: I can’t learn the names of 40 new guys just for 25 of them to let me down. A smaller, more intimate group of disappointments is preferred.
A Clear Off-Season: I need a definitive end. Not a slow, painful fizzle into October followed by six months of wondering what shiny new acquisition or much heralded rookie will lead us to the promised land.
Sports I Am Willing to Consider:
Curling: Seems civilized. You slide a granite stone on ice while two people sweep furiously in front of it. There’s strategy, yelling, and it looks like I could do it with a hot beverage in my other hand. This is a front-runner.
Formula 1: The cars go fast. Sometimes they crash. It’s over in two hours. Seems efficient.
Competitive Bowling: The athletes often look like they’ve enjoyed a beer or two, which I find relatable.
Darts: See above.
Anything that isn’t baseball.
What I Bring to the Table:
- Unwavering loyalty (until you repeatedly and systematically crush my soul).
- A willingness to spend an irresponsible amount of money on merchandise, concessions, and lazy afternoons at the ballpark.
- A well-practiced “fan voice” capable of both ecstatic cheering and expert booing.
- The ability to learn your rules and then obnoxiously explain to my friends and family the 13 different ways to balk.
If you are a sport that believes in scoring points and limiting psychological damage on your fans, please apply within.
**Please, no baseball in disguise. I know what a slider looks like, even if my old team doesn’t.
(p.s…. just a head’s up… I’ll probably get back together with my ex next March.)
By day, Mike Wang is a partner in a philanthropy consulting firm… by night, he (reluctantly) remains a committed Phillies fan, baseball coach, captain of a softball team, and really big fan of all things baseball-related.
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