I’ve engaged in hours and hours of conversations to better understand with friends and family, neighbors and colleagues, who are struggling to cast a vote for Kamala Harris for president.

I’ve been as curious, patient, and empathetic as I can be, which, no doubt, is not enough.

I’ve thought a lot about how to share what I’m feeling about their leanings to follow their conscience and not vote for former President Trump, but also not vote for Harris. This is what I’ve been wanting but haven’t had the courage to say:

You’ve already decided to not vote for Trump. Thank you.

You say you can’t bring yourself to vote for Harris. Here’s what I hear you saying:

I hear you saying that you don’t agree with Harris on something — or many things — important to you, and just voting against Trump is not enough for you.

If you’re progressive, maybe it’s Gaza and what you see as U.S. support for genocide. If you’re conservative, maybe it’s the border and U.S. immigration policy. If you’re struggling, maybe it’s inflation and the economy. Those, and others, are all legitimate concerns and there have been times I could respect staying uncommitted or washing your hands of the whole thing and not voting for either of two candidates with whom you find little to be excited about.

I hear you saying that this is a choice between the lesser of two evils, and that you are tired of playing by the rules of the same-old-game where it feels like everyone loses. That is a legitimate gripe about our political system as it is, and I feel that way too sometimes.

Here’s what I else I hear

However, I hope you will read further to understand what else I hear you saying, and more importantly, what people whom you love might hear you saying if you are unwilling to vote against Donald J. Trump for president of the United States:

I hear you saying to your daughter, niece, granddaughter, or sister that you care about something else more than you care about her physical safety from sexual assault. You know re-electing Trump sends a message making it culturally more ok for “boys to be boys,” to “do anything they want,” to the women you love.

I hear you saying to your son, nephew, grandson or brother that even if he is accused by 26 different women of sexual assault that you are not going to hold him accountable. You know that Trump is a convicted sexual abuser who believes and behaves like he’s above the law.

This is not a choice between the lesser of two evils.

I hear you saying to your children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews, sisters and brothers, that it’s OK to lie all the time, that it’s ok to be angry, mean-spirited and vindictive, that it’s OK to be racist.

I hear you saying to your children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews, sisters and brothers, that science and facts are only useful when they confirm what you already believe to be true.

I hear you saying to every military veteran you know that you’re ok with it that our commander-in-chief disrespects the military when he calls men and women who served in Vietnam suckers for not getting out of the draft, and prisoners of war losers because they got caught.

I hear you saying to every law-abiding American that the January 6 insurrection wasn’t that big a deal, and that you are not willing to do whatever you can to make sure that a sitting president who, at the very least, stood by while a mob of his supporters attempted to violently overturn court-validated election results about his defeat does not get re-elected as president of the United States.

I hear you saying to everyone that you care about something else more than you care about whether the president of the United States meets the minimum requirements of democracy and basic human decency.

What is it that you care about more?

What is it that you care about more than safety, truth, the rule of law, honor and decency?

If you don’t want Trump to be president, but you think Republicans generally have a better handle on all of those things, then vote for Harris for decency and democracy and vote Republican for every other race on the ballot to support policies that align more with your worldview. Tie Harris’s hands so she can’t do any of the things you’re afraid of.

If you don’t want Trump to be president, but you think a more progressive candidate would support a whole range of domestic and foreign policies that align more with your values and the world you want to see, then vote for Harris for decency and democracy and vote for more progressive candidates for every other race on the ballot.

If you’ve already decided not to vote for Trump, but you can’t bring yourself to vote for Harris, then you’re saying that you’re unwilling to lift a finger to do the smallest thing to make it less likely that Trump becomes president of the United States, which you know will turbo charge the far right. Whether you identify as progressive or conservative, you know that this will be bad for our country. Whether you identify as progressive or conservative, you know that you will be able to influence a Harris administration more than a second Trump administration.

I hear you saying that you’re willing to live with the consequences of an angry, divisive, sexist, racist, lying, selfish con man, a wannabe dictator who doesn’t care about the U.S. Constitution, who is deemed “unfit for office” by 50 percent of his former cabinet, including half of his national security team, and who according to his former Chief of Staff and National Security Advisor General John Kelly, is “a person that has nothing but contempt for our democratic institutions, our Constitution, and the rule of law.”

I hear you saying this is an acceptable risk because you care about something else more.

I hear your willingness to wash your hands, put them in your pockets, shrug your shoulders, and say, “I’m clean.”

What is it that you care about more than your daughter’s freedom and safety, more than raising your son to be a good man, more than having a president who puts national interest above personal interest?

This is not a choice between the lesser of two evils.

This is a choice between abdicating and taking responsibility.

This is a choice about putting love of country above preference for policy.

We can debate policy later. We need your vote for Harris for president to stand for an America that values democracy and basic human decency.

One day soon, or maybe far in the future, your kids or your kid’s kids are going to ask you who you voted for, Trump or Harris. And if you didn’t vote, why not?

Jay Coen Gilbert is the co-founder of B Lab, IMPERATIVE 21, and White Men for Racial Justice.

The Citizen welcomes guest commentary from community members who represent that it is their own work and their own opinion based on true facts that they know firsthand.

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