As part of Philadelphia’s Covid-19 reopening plan, city officials decreed today that all restaurants must include a menu item featuring the word “jawn” in their offerings.
In his weekly press conference, Mayor James “Jimmy Jawn” Kenney called the move “a crucial step toward recovery and unity.” He mansplained that “everyone knows using the word ‘jawn’ makes you cool and… Philly wants to be cool.” Kenney added, “I don’t see Donald Trump using the word ‘jawn,’ so I know we’re on the right track.”
How did the city come up with this out-of-the-box idea? “We hired a group of 22-year-old tech bros to focus group it!” Health Commissioner Dr. Thomas “Fairly Confident” Farley said proudly. “They got drunk on White Claw one night at one of their ‘socially distant’ beach houses and next thing we knew, the jawn idea was in the works.”
The plan, called “Safer Saying Jawn,” includes requirements for font style (comic sans) and font size (exactly 16.785). Restaurant owners must provide a sample of their new menu item to the Department of Health for “inspection” by 6am tomorrow. Special consideration will be given to dishes that combine two words into one “jawntastic” portmanteau. Farley suggested “jawnwich” and “croissantjawn” as examples.
Though native Philadelphians have been using the word ‘jawn’ in casual conversation for decades, its use has exploded in recent years, as hipsters have invaded the city. “I first heard someone say ‘jawn’ in my freshman year at Temple in 2012,” said Asher Whitman, originally from the Scranton area. “Now, I use it everyday! My friends back home in Scranton think it’s so cool.”
The latest edict is facing some criticism, however. City Controller Rebecca “Probably Running for Mayor” Rhynhart suggested that the requirement “represents more wasteful government use of the word ‘jawn,’ which will ultimately cost taxpayers… their dignity.”
Editor’s note: If you believe this, we also have a bridge to sell you. April Fools, people.
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