This is how Catherine Siciliano recently described the pain she felt after her 26-year-old son died by suicide in November 2008:
… a pain that clutches your heart so tight you can feel it pulsing within your chest with every beat of your heart. A pain that launches your mind into total chaos and confusion. A pain that locks your life into a specific time and event that resonates with you for the rest of your entire life. A pain that is worn like a heavy coat throughout the seasons of your life.
Siciliano is one of more than a dozen people whose first-person accounts of lives touched by suicide will be presented during two free performances March 16 as part of Embracing the Light. The cross-medium project was launched by Mural Arts’ Porch Light program, which promotes community wellness through public art. The presented stories were collected during a series of writing workshops held twice a week over a six- week stretch last year.
The project will end with the creation and dedication of a public mural by artist James Burns, most likely in 2025. Before that, Burns will create sketches inspired by these personal stories and others that have yet to be gathered. Locals can then share their thoughts on the mural design during community meetings.
“I want people to know you don’t heal. You learn to incorporate it into your life. Instead of being confused and lost, I feel like I’m ready to carry others and help them along their paths.” — Catherine Siciliano
Embracing the Light builds upon 2012’s Finding the Light Within, another mural with a suicide awareness and prevention message created using a similar process. Finding the Light rises six stories and stretches across 250 feet on the side of Horizon House, 130 S. 30th Street in West Philadelphia — but became mostly obscured by new construction in 2023.
Both projects were launched with the goal of highlighting the importance of community, reminding those considering death by suicide that support is always out there while telling those impacted by suicide that they’re not alone.
Suicide awareness and prevention is, sadly, a subject that needs more attention. The number of suicide deaths in the U.S. has been increasing since 2021; in 2022, almost 50,000 people died by suicide, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In 2020, about 46,000 Americans took their own lives.
The federal government believes the problem has been exacerbated by the Covid-19 pandemic, social media, and gun violence. In May, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced it would spend $200 million to support crisis relief services nationwide, including expanding the 988 Lifeline program.
The March 16 performances address suicide from multiple angles. For example, a sister talks about how her sibling’s suicidal ideation affected their relationship; a brother focuses less on his brother’s death and more on his unique personality; a veteran shares mental health concerns. All touch on the importance of human connection and a supportive community.
“The stories are cathartic; they’re hopeful. Some of them are painful, but ultimately it’s a diverse representation of how suicide impacts other people differently,” director Daralyse Lyons says. “Suicide is very much a pervasive community issue.”
Lyons says organizers are aware the performances’ subject matter may upset some viewers. To that end, each show will start and end with a short mindfulness exercise. Counselors will be available onsite and organizers have prepared lists of resources where people can find later support.
“We hope to create a safe container for the experience so people can be present and hopefully carry the light with them as they leave,” she says.
Burns, the artist behind both murals, remembers a participant in the first project telling him her son who died by suicide had resisted getting help for his mental struggles because it wasn’t “manly.” He didn’t want to show weakness. While fewer people may now link dying by suicide to being weak, that misconception remains, Burns says.
“More people speak about the importance of mental health, but there’s still a need to combat the stigma [of suicide],” he says. “It’s still something that needs to be discussed.”
Finding the Light Within’s central image was a boy in a rowboat looking back towards the shore and another boy throwing him a life preserver. The bottom and sides of the mural featured images of people lost to suicide and their loved ones, some set as photos, others as solemn standing figures.
Losing the first mural was particularly tough because of its memorial aspect, Burns says. But while many liked seeing images of those lost, others viewers found it upsetting and exclusionary.
For the second mural, Burns wants to be more abstract, instead including items that the survivors associate with their loved one. He’ll remember his grandfather, who died before he was born, with the violin he once played. Other items he expects to use include a boomerang, a coat, a snow globe and Army figurines.
Some objects have already been collected and professionally photographed and will be featured during the performance. An exhibition of the images at a later date is also possible.
Before that can happen, the project’s steering committee needs to find a suitable wall for the mural. That will influence its size and the required number of paint days and volunteers.
But first, the March 16 performances.
“Sharing stories helps us understand unique and shared experiences,” says Neil Bardhan, Director of Applied Storytelling for First Person Arts, a project collaborator. “Hearing first-hand from somebody who has this lived experience is a fantastic way for another human to walk through the world in their eyes and to creatively share (their story) with great intention and support.”
Siciliano was part of the first mural project, which began in 2010. The finished mural was dedicated in 2012 on what would have been her son’s 30th birthday. During that time, the other project participants became like family to her.
“We would gather on these paint days and lift each other up,” she says. “On the day of the dedication, I knew I was going to be with family, the family known to me through the mural.”
Her son’s image was one of those featured on Finding the Light Within. When she learned the mural was to be blocked, “I felt like I was losing a piece of my journey.”
She was eager to work on this new project, because while she’s shared her story before, there’s always something more to say. And, more than a decade later, she’s at a different point in her life. “I want people to know you don’t heal. You learn to incorporate it into your life,” she says. “Instead of being confused and lost, I feel like I’m ready to carry others and help them along their paths.”
“The stories are cathartic; they’re hopeful. Some of them are painful, but ultimately it’s a diverse representation of how suicide impacts other people differently. Suicide is very much a pervasive community issue.” — Director Daralyse Lyons
For Siciliano, Anthony’s death was a call to action. She began working for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and founded “Life Resurrected,” a Catholic-based bereavement support group. She hopes the piece she’s written stresses “resilience and hope.”
This project, she says, builds on the first, being “a continuance … to show people there was a light eventually in your life after you’re hit with that type of loss.”
Gail Dohrn, who was also part of the first mural project, is allowing her writing to be shared. Telling stories and building supportive communities is crucial even if the stigma around suicide has decreased.
“They talk about it on TV and people are willing to talk about it more out and the open, but I don’t know if people understand the complicated grief [suicide puts] on the people left behind,” says Dohrn, of Broomall, who also leads a suicide support group.
After her husband, Bob, ended his own life more than 20 years ago, Dohrn felt that some of the people offering sympathy also gossiped behind her back. One person, she learned, had opined that “their marriage must have been a wreck.” For years, Dohrn says, she felt as if people were pointing to her and whispering, “That’s the lady whose husband killed himself.”
But that’s not the story she’s sharing. Instead, hers centers on a trip she and her sister took to Crater Lake in Oregon to scatter some of her husband’s ashes. Just after they’d done so, a man with a camera came out of the woods and began to set up his tripod. Dohrn was immediately reminded of her late husband, who was also an avid photographer.
“He didn’t look like Bob, but there was something about his presence,” she says. “It was a happy coincidence, a gentle reminder of him.”
- Embracing the Light: Suicide Awareness Performance # 1. March 16, 2pm, 140 N. Christopher Columbus Blvd. Free, RSVP: Paige.Phillips@muralarts.org
- Embracing the Light: Suicide Awareness Performance #2. March 16, 6pm, 140 N. Christopher Columbus Blvd. Free, RSVP: Paige.Phillips@muralarts.org
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