Another woman, earlier in my life, had an abortion. I got her pregnant.
I was able to pay for the abortion only because my two best friends loaned me the money. So, I guess I had to tell two other people. I never shared this with any of my closest friends or family, and I’m a sharer — having spoken with them about my deepest faults and insecurities, my father’s infidelity, my own “good guy’” racism. I was more ashamed of this.
Until the leaked draft forced me to reflect on my personal relationship to abortion, I had never thought about why I had never shared this. I may find other reasons over time, but as of now, it seems clear that it is my shame that held me back.
I am ashamed that my selfishness led to a woman having an unwanted pregnancy.
We used condoms. This time, not the only time, we didn’t use a condom. Was that consensual? Was that stupidity? Was that irresponsible? Who was stupid? Who was irresponsible?
I wonder about my use of the pronoun “we” when I say “We did or didn’t use a condom.” I wanted to quickly delete that word on this page, replace it with the more truthful “I,” but it seems important to look at my instinct to share this responsibility and thus to spread the blame for the decision not to wear a condom.
When talking about abortion and birth control, our culture puts the burden and responsibility squarely on women, framing these as women’s issues. I have been indifferent to, and thus not curious about, the implications of this. As a result, while I have been a good father, I have not been the best father I could be.
On the one hand, I have a daughter whom my wife and I have raised to be confident and able to advocate for herself, whom I hope would be able to say no if (when?) she and a man are in the heat of the moment and neither of them is thinking clearly. Until now, I never had that conversation with my daughter.
On the other hand, I have a son whom my wife and I have raised to be caring, willing and able to stand up for others even at personal risk, whom I hope would be able to say “Hold on” if (when?) he and a woman are in the heat of the moment and neither of them is thinking clearly. Until now, I never had that conversation with my son.
While it seems important to acknowledge that my daughter, and all women, have agency and would need to accept some measure of responsibility for having unprotected sex, it seems more important to acknowledge that my son and I, and all men have more responsibility simply to control ourselves and never have unprotected sex.
The conversation in the U.S. about whether there is or should be a constitutionally or federally protected right for women to choose seems almost entirely focused, perhaps appropriately, on this issue as a women’s issue. That makes sense as far as women’s bodily autonomy, but what about men’s responsibility?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that unwanted pregnancies caused by unprotected sex — meaning sex without any form of birth control — are solely the responsibility of the man.
Choosing my immediate pleasure over the potential life altering implications for this woman was an incredible act of selfishness. Men should be responsible for controlling ourselves. Taking responsibility for the care and protection of others is core to the very definition of manhood in every culture. When I chose not to wear a condom, to place that life-altering risk primarily on her, that was an act of selfishness of which I am ashamed.
When she told me she was late, we talked about it. When she told me the results of her pregnancy test, we talked about it. My recollection is that I told her I did not want to be a father yet, and that I would support her decision. She decided quickly — We decided? I decided? — to have an abortion.
After taking her to and picking her up from the doctor’s office, we talked about it. Later in our relationship, we even gave the potential life we conceived a name. That too seems to raise challenging moral questions for me with which I haven’t fully grappled.
I have no idea if she has ever told anyone about this. I have no idea if she still thinks about it. I have no idea what happens when she hears that name. I know I feel a little sadness, like the brief shadow of a passing cloud. What feelings come up for her when abortion is discussed?
I have no idea if she has ever told anyone about this. I have no idea if she still thinks about it. I have no idea what happens when she hears that name. I know I feel a little sadness, like the brief shadow of a passing cloud. What feelings come up for her when abortion is discussed?
My life would be radically different today if she did not choose to have an abortion, if my best friends did not have the ability to loan me the money, if we did not have relatively easy access to a safe abortion.
I’m glad that she — that we — had that choice. Even more, I wish I had not put us — put her — in the position of having to make that choice by being so stupid and irresponsible.
The conversation in the U.S. about whether there is or should be a constitutionally or federally protected right for women to choose seems almost entirely focused, perhaps appropriately, on this issue as a women’s issue. That makes sense as far as women’s bodily autonomy, but what about men’s responsibility?
I’d like to join others like Tony Porter at A Call to Men who are widening the aperture of this conversation to include men, especially men speaking to other men, brothers to brothers, fathers to sons, about our responsibility as caring, strong men to take responsibility for controlling ourselves so that women are not placed in a position to make such a difficult life-altering choice.
I’ve still got some work to do to be the man I want to be. I’ve had a couple of recent, less awkward than I imagined, conversations with my kids. And, now, even if she doesn’t accept my invitation to talk, I’ve got to let this woman know that I’m sorry.
Jay Coen Gilbert is cofounder of AND 1; cofounder of B Lab and the B Corporation movement; CEO of Imperative 21; and cofounder of White Men for Racial Justice.
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